- True Friendship -
A Bible study for Housegroup meeting 8th October, 2003 prepared and led by Angus Cook
(with contributions from the other members of the housegroup).
Based on study 3 from "David, A Heart for God" by Jack Kuhatschek.
a Lifebuilder Bible Study published by Scripture Union.
© 1990 by Jack Kuhatschek
In this study we will explore the strong relationship between David and Jonathan.
It helps us see and appreciate the qualtities of true friendship. It is based on
1 Samuel 18:1-4; 20:1-17 and 30-42; 2 Samuel 1:25-27. It is worth reading those
passages prior to commencing this study. I used the New King James version of the
Bible, © 1991 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
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What qualities do you appreciate most in a friend, and why?
I would say that the main qualities that describe a good friend are loyalty, trust, respect,
sincerity, companionship, reliability, love, openness and honesty.
Faithfulness is also a very good quality, as is the ability to listen
(remember a definition of listening I heard once is, "not thinking what you're
going to say when the other person has stopped talking".
A sense of fun and humour is also
important, as is the need to make time for each other.
I like to simply be myself when with friends, and not feel that they are trying to
change me into something or someone I'm not. I'd like to think that I don't manipulate
my friends in that manner either!
I find myself sometimes supporting my friends through a crisis, and when it's my turn
to have a crisis, they are usually there for me also. This all serves to
strengthen the friendhip.
Unselfishness and mutual understanding
are also very important, and usually good friends will be compatible with each other.
I feel you know where you stand with people who possess these qualities: think of any
good friend you have and ask yourself, "Why are we such good friends?" and the
chances are you'll find a good number of these qualities present.
David and Jonathan, in the Bible passages under consideration here, are one in
spirit. This is, I believe, a picture of the kind of oneness that Jesus desires
for all His disciples when he prays for unity. Also note Psalm 133:
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together
in Unity! ... For there the Lord commanded the blessing - Life forevermore"
(Psalm 133:1, 3b).
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What impresses you most about Jonathan's and David's love for each other?
Read 1 Samuel 18:1-4; 20:1-17.
David and Jonathan are what one might call "perfect brothers" - there is a deep sense
of commitment to each other, and a strong sense of love between these two men.
There is complete trust present; both are open and honest with each other, and
each displays unselfish commitment to the other. This is
not homosexuality; it is a deep frienship where the two are essentially
"soul-mates". 1 Samuel 18:1 tells us that "the soul
of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul",
and again in verse 3: "Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as
his own soul" (see also chapter 20 verse 17).
I'm especially impressed that the friendship survived the enmity that developed between
King Saul (Jonathan's father) and David. There is no evidence that Jonathan was ever
"poisoned" by his father, or if he was, the friendship was far stronger
than that. Bear in mind that shortly after David and Jonathan's friendship became so
strong, Saul made an attempt on David's life (1 Samuel 18:10-11) because the people
held David in higher esteem than the King, and the King was afraid of David.
It is also highly impressive that Jonathan, who would normally have been the next
in line to the throne, was not threatened by David. Their friendship was not
affected in any way by the fact that David would be the next king. Jonathan
not only recognises and respects this, but encourages David when he humbly
pledges his loyalty to David. "And Jonathan took off the robe that was on
him and gave it to David, with his armour, even to his sword and his
bow and his belt." (1 Samuel 18:4.)
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How does their love express itself in their commitment to each other?
It was a very practical friendship; Jonathan and David hatched a plan (OK, there seemed
to be a certain amount of deceit involved!) to determine whether Saul wanted David dead,
and to get David safely out of the place. It would not have been possible for David to
have got out without Jonathan's help. 1 Samuel 18:2 tells us that Saul did not let David
return home (and this is the context in which David and Jonathan became so close).
In Chapter 20, I don't think David is questioning Jonathan's loyalty as a friend, but he
is questioning whether the information Jonathan would have recevied from his father
was truthful. It is at this point where they hatch the plan for David to escape. This is
the plan which involves David hiding in the field while Jonathan determines what his father's
designs on David are, and the signal being given by way of the lad shooting arrows.
The friendship was going to prove costly for Jonathan (1 Samuel 20:30, but we'll come to
that), but we see this looming as a possibility in 1 Samuel 20:18 when Jonathan confirms
that David will be missed while hiding in the field; it seems that this New Moon, although
would provide cover of darkness, wasn't otherwise especially brilliant timing to make
a quick getaway!
They formed a covenant with each other, and were both unafraid of the dangers they knew
they could well face.
-
What kinds of mutual commitments can strengthen our friendships with those we love?
I believe it is important to honour our words we give to our friends as much as it is possible
for us to do so. This does not mean we make rash promises though!
Shared or common experiences can often have a "binding" effect on two people.
As Christians we can pray for our friends, and all of us can offer support in times of
trouble.
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How does Jonathan's experience with Saul demonstrate some of the
cost of friendship
Read 1 Samuel 20:30-42; 2 Samuel 1:25-27.
In 20:30 we see Saul disowning and cursing his own wife and son! This even goes to the
extent of Saul making an attempt on Jonathan's life. Jonathan interprets this as the King's
intention to kill David, and communicates this back to David
by way of the lad shooting the arrows.
A prearranged signal between David and Jonathan indicates to David that the situation is
dangerous and that he should get away as quickly as possible.
Blood is thicker than water: it would be interesting to know how Jonathan must have
felt about his father's harsh words and murder attempt. It must have affected him
deepply. However, he could have been intimidated by his father and reneged on the
friendship with David, but he did not do this. He remained loyal to David despite the
cost to himself.
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In what other ways can friendship be costly
Something here that does not come out of these passages here, but what about when one of you
does something wrong and the other needs to issue a rebuke for it? Are we going to be
strong enough to tell a close dear friend off? Or are we going to let them seemingly get
away with it (for the sake of preserving the friendship)?
Restoration should always be done in love, never with an attitude of vindictiveness.
Strong friendships will be able to take and receive rebukings, apologies and forgiveness
will be on offer
all round, and the friendship can continue with that incident put away firmly into the past,
where it belongs having been sorted out first (and not glossed over). This is not
daydreaming or wishful thinking; however both parties may need to work at the resolution
and talk things through in an attempt to come to an understanding of the other's position,
and this may well take time in some cases.
I've sometimes said that the test of a friendship isn't that nothing
ever goes wrong between you, but what you both do when something does go wrong!
Other ways in which friendship can be costly is where something involves having to spend
money that cannot be repaid, give up quality time to help your friend through a crisis,
or having to put yourself into a position where others may ridicule you simply because
you're the friend of an unpopular or difficult person!
Sad to say, but sometimes jealousy can get in the way: jealousy, for example, of
the other's possessions, job, or position.
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What do we learn about the level of intimacy between Jonathan and David?
Read 1 Samuel 20:41-42 and 2 Samuel 1:25-27.
One really needs to read the whole of chapter 1 of 2 Samuel in order to gain an understanding
of that second passage. Basically, an Amalekite messenger came to David to deliver the news
that Saul was mortally wounded and that Jonathan was dead as a result of battle. This same
messenger had decided to finish Saul off. David's reaction was that he went into deep mourning
(verse 11, "David took hold of his own clothes abd tore them"), and had the
messenger put to death. This is not a case of simply shooting the messenger; this Amalekite
had "put forth [his] hand to destroy the Lord's anointed" (verse 14). Verse 25
is a stanza from a lamentation called The Song of the Bow which David caused to
be written for the record. Also note the fasting and weeping - a sure sign of David's
lamentations!
It shows how David laments the loss not only of his close friend Jonathan but also King Saul.
David always showed respect for Saul despite the repeated attempts Saul made on David's life.
Today, we would probably say that he was "gutted" at the loss. Poetry and song are
often used to express deep emotions, whether positive or negative, too deep for words alone.
David not only uses these linguistic devices but causes the song to be written down for
the purpose of teaching future generations (see verse 18) so the incident would not
be easily forgotten.
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Do you think it is more difficult for women or for men to achieve that kind
of intimacy in friendship? Explain
It seems to me that women are generally better at forming close friendships than men, however
that is an overgeneralisation! When men do form close friendships they are usually
exceptionally strong, if fewer and further between than those between women. Again, that's
an overgeneralisation .... discussion invited!
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What factors enhance or inhibit intimacy in a relationship?
We had run out of time by the time we got here!! However, the factors that enhance a
friendship have been covered - all the good qualities in a friendship will enhance it.
At the other end of the stick, the converse of these qualities will inhibit the
friendship and may even destroy it. If someone trusts me with something strictly
confidential for example, then I go and share it with all and sundry, this is going
to have a negative effect on the frienship as they will not be able to trust me
so easily again.
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In what way would you like the friendship with your closest friend to be more like
David and Jonathan's?
Think of one area ... what specific steps can you take to achieve that goal?
This has been left, as they say, as an exercise for the reader!
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