Angus's Personal Site: Humour Archive 1

- Humour Archive 1 -

Taken from real CVs and covering letters
Taken from actual performance evaluations
Taken from military performance appraisals
Office Christmas Party
Lost Verses from Genesis
Lightbulbs
The Modern Genesis
A new element - Administratium
Get the most out of your PC Support Team
Murphy's Laws

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THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet pogroms.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a "has-been", but more of a definitely "won't be".
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors marked pull!

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based, Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

HERE ARE THE LOST VERSES FROM GENESIS

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

LIGHTBULBS

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware fault.
Q: Hardware engineers?
A: None. Tell Software to code round it.
Q: Microsoft engineers?
A: None. They've defined Darkness (tm) as the standard, and anyway, they use Windows.

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them: "Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory".
And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said: "You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows".
And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

A NEW ELEMENT - ADMINISTRATIUM

A new element, the heaviest known to science, was recently discovered.
The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 75 executive vice neutrons, 125 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically since it impedes every process with which it has contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one process to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, during which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which executive vice neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons randomly change position. Some studies have suggested that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere, it tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be isolated or controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.

GET THE MOST FROM YOUR PC SUPPORT TEAM

When PC Support say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When PC Support send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
When a PC Support professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
When an PC Support professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in PC Support. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything - we just love to hear ourselves talk.
When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
When you have an PC Support bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.
When you bump into a PC Support bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.
When you log a Helpdesk call on someone else's behalf, give their name and your own phone number. That way, when we ring you back asking to speak to that other person you can disclaim all knowledge of the call and treat us like complete idiots for calling on the wrong number. Redirect us to the person we really need to speak to via about half a dozen different secretaries and reception desks as we give Brownie points to customers who can direct us to the greatest number of people before we can talk to someone who can actually help us sort the problem out.
Set your telephone system up such that your calls get automatically redirected to another extension if they haven't been answered after a specified number of rings. That way, when technical support returns your call we get to listen to half a dozen different telephones ring before someone actually answers. Now, when someone does answer, we can get the pleasure of answering such questions as, "Why did you ring this number?" or being told, "he works upstairs ... let me just check his diary ... ah, yes ... he's in a meeting right now, so you'll have to call back later."
Allocate an internal call number to the call you're logging with us without letting us know what it is. When our helpdesk calls you back, ask whether we are calling with reference to that call number. Make incredulous remarks when the support person replies with something that amounts to "I don't know" or "That means nothing to me," and brand him as a complete idiot because he doesn't know what he is calling about. Not all of us are clairvoyant, and we thrive on this kind of treatment.
Require that we ring a helpdesk to request permission to ring another helpdesk to raise a call before letting us dial into your system to fix your fault. We enjoy spending 90% of our time getting access to your system and the remaining 10% actually fixing your problem. While we are in the process of gaining access to your system, ring in to chase the call and find out how long it will take for us to fix it. We love it when we can't just be left to get on with it.
Make our lives difficult my ensuring that your modem is switched off when we need to gain access to your system. When we ring up to ask if we may dial in have someone ready to ask us a dozen questions about why we need to dial in before agreeing to turn the modem on. We love it when we have to explain our actions to some third party (who knows nothing about the call) before actually doing anything as it gives us a clearer picture of what we are about to do and how we will go about it.
Wait until a known problem becomes a Screaming Show Stopper before logging a helpdesk call. Once logged, go to an important meeting, or to lunch, or for a coffee / smoke break leaving half of the call details with someone else. It's really nice to speak to new people over the telephone, especially people who think they can help but can't.
Log your Screaming Show Stopper and immediately go for a fortnight's holiday. Leave no details with anybody else except how urgent the problem is, and get someone to chase the call incessantly until the problem is fixed.
Log all your calls as Screaming Show Stoppers. A partial time being displayed in the date field is clearly just as important as a complete system crash due to a power-cut, and will receive the same immediate response and level of attention. After all we're here for your convenience and we don't have any other customers to satisfy.
Threaten us with court action should our changes go wrong. It gives us a terrific rush of adrenalin and increases our desire to get it right first time, plus it helps us focus on the one and only thing we ever think about - solving your problems. Also, it gives us confidence that you will be pleased with the work we do.

The optimist Murphy said that "if anything can go wrong, it will."
I wonder if that includes Murphy's Law though. Hmmmm, now, there's a thought!
This list is complemented by my list of Wise (or otherwise) sayings, Various Laws, and Miscellaneous one-liners - check them out for more of this sort of humour.
Here is a list of things that are likely to go pear-shaped given the opportunity ...

A transistor protected by a fast-blowing fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
The chances that bread will fall to the floor butter side down are directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Whenever anything needs to be done, there is always something else that must be done beforehand. Before that, something else will need to be done, and before that......
If anything could have chosen a worse time to go wrong then it would have gone wrong then.
Constants aren't, variables won't.
You will not be interrupted until you start to do something (Or, if you could have been interrupted at a worse moment then you would have been interrupted then).
Just when things couldn't possibly get worse they suddenly do.
The phone call you have been waiting in all day for will come when you go out for 2 minutes just to put the rubbish out.
The probability of making the wrong decision is directly proportional to the length of time taken to make it.
The length of time taken by a committee to reach a decision is directly proportional to the number of people on it raised to the power of itself.
When you say that something is too good to be true, it is.
Do it the quick way. Then you get to rewrite it in a year's time.
Hofstadter's Law: It will always take longer than you expect, even if you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think. See Hofstadter's Law.
If anything does go wrong, there will always be someone who knew it would.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
If at first you don't succeed, you're fired.
If you didn't think it went wrong, it will be too late when you discover otherwise.
It will never go wrong when you're trying to make it go wrong. Or, it will go wrong at the most unexpected and undesirable moment.
Just when it couldn't possibly go wrong, it goes wrong.
It will go wrong when you least expect it to.
If you put a spoonful of wine into a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage into a barrel of wine, you get sewage...

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