| Me | Humour | Links | Pics | Articles | Feedback | Updates | Map | Info | Fun | Search |
- Humour Archive 3 -
| Me | Humour | Links | Pics | Articles | Feedback | Updates | Map | Info | Fun | Search |
Sorry, folks, but this one is really sad....
Once upon a time there was a chef named Chervase, who worked in a restaurant.
They mainly served fish, especially squid.
Of all the squids there, one stood out from the rest.
He was green, vile and had a hairy lip.
Of course anyone seeing this squid would not want him, and would choose
another, more appetizing fish. So, over the years, Chervase grew to like
the squid, despite being vile and green and having a hairy lip.
He would come in every morning and feed it and clean out its tank every
evening. During the summer, a student was taken on to wash up, and his name
was Hans. He was a good worker, and helped Chervase around the kitchen.
He also grew to like the squid, and fed it daily when Chervase was too busy.
One day a gentleman arrived in, claiming to have tasted every squid known to
man. When he saw the vile green hairy-lip squid, he had to have it.
So, Chervase pulled the squid out by the tentacles and threw him up on the
chopping block. He grabbed his cleaver and in one movement he raised it up
and couldn't kill his old friend, the hairy-lipped, vile green squid.
He broke down crying and ordered Hans to kill the squid,
but Hans couldn't do it either.
Just goes to show you that ...
Hans who does dishes is as soft as Chervase, with the
Vile Green Hairy Lip Squid.
Try this. It's pretty cool. Try not to cheat & look at the answer.
Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image.
Get as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away.
You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view...
{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++????????
<||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
?????///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%
{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++????????
||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
?????///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%
/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
?????///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%
Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer.
If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen,
even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for about
30 secs, that usually helps people to see it.
Now scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.
It's NOTHING, you fool, get back to work.
I can't believe you fell for that one.
I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose on your monitor!
Now forward a link to it to someone else to make yourself feel better.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.
I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,
from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere,
so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked,
"Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs,
but they did not take to it.
One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer.
Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.
Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames,
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw,
and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice
for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses
and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell,
who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in
the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted,
"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians,
who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian
squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were
killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without
stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall
silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back
of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.
But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other
innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by
one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest, even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.
The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it
catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down
from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the
Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
The one at the end is the best - but you'll have to wait for it.
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
Sorry, folks, but this one is baaaaaaaad....
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out
the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye
back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she
says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the
theater,followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying
for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for
a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know,"
he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No, she replies........."
Scroll Down for the punch line
(Wait for it...)
(It's coming.............)
(The suspense is killing you........)
(It's coming really soon now.........)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that
he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having HIM for lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doodoo now ..." but then he noticed
some bones on the ground close by and immediately settled down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers
pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that
monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
This is an accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the
British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
This is the bricklayer's report ... a true story (allegedly).
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which,
when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building
at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note
in block 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to
report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to
move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back
onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I respectfully request sick leave.
A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly.
He offers an incentive plan: £20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people
find and £20 for each bug the programmers fix
(these are the same programmers who create the bugs).
Result: An underground economy in "bugs" springs up instantly.
The plan is rethought after one employee nets £1,700 in the first week.
Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that "scientists and engineers can never
earn as much as sales managers and marketing directors."
This theorem is supported by a mathematical proof based on the following two
postulates:
As anyone with a grasp of physics can tell you:
into which we can substitute to get
Solving this equation for Money gives us:
and we see that as knowledge approaches zero,
the amount of money received approaches infinity regardless of the amount
of work done.
Therefore the less you know, the more you earn. QED (Quite Easily Done).
This is (allegedly) a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for
"Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant - may I help you?"
"Yes, well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along when all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on your screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"........Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are.
I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".....Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me amd tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power....A power cut? Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them"
"Tell them you're too .... stupid to own a computer."
There was once a little sparrow who refused to fly south one year with his parents. It got colder so he decided to follow them. As it got colder ice formed on his wings so he fell to the ground. A cow passed by and crapped on him. This warmed him up, he began to sing, a cat heard this, found him and ate him. Three conclusions from this are:
Top
Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!