Angus's Personal Site: Humour Archive 4

- Humour Archive 4 -

Speeding?
Bad Puns
Are you the Weakest Link?
Sorry ladies!
Bridget Jones Diet
Life in Dallas
The French teacher explained...
If Noah was to build the Ark today...
Only in Britain...
Can you believe it?
Product Ingredients (22-Jun-02)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration document for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glovebox when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glovebox?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glovebox so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glovebox.
Captain: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

BAD PUNS

Read these if you can bear it, but be warned they are REALLY baaaaaad:

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead rabbits. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot "round the world."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication (duh!).
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?

I am going to ask you three questions AND you have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O.K.?
Let's find just how clever you really are ........ Ready? GO !!!!!

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second. What position do you finish? NOW! Scroll down for the answer below...

Answer: If you answered that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!! Because if you overtake the second and you take his place you arrived second!!!! Next time don't take as much time as you took then!

Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...?

Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!! You're not very good at this are you???

Third Question: Subject: *Very very Tricky maths!
Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT paper and a pen. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total? (scroll down for answer)

Did you get 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s). That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Note: The answer to the second question is really "anything but last", since the only way to overtake the last competitor is to lap him, and that makes no difference to your placing, which remains whatever it was before you lapped him, i.e. anything except last.

Sorry ladies, but the proof is logical and automatic...

As any man will tell you, girls are time and money. Mathematically, this can be expressed as

Girls = Time * Money

And, as we all know, "time is money." Hence:-

Time = Money,

So it is easy to see that:

Girls = Money * Money
Girls = square(Money)

It is also common knowledge that "money is the root of all evil." Therefore,

money = root(evil)
square(money) = Evil

But, because Girls = square(Money) we are forced to conclude that:

Girls = Evil

Sorry, but I did say that the conclusion was logical and automatic, so don't blame me!

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole-wheat toast
1 Cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 Cup herbal tea
1 Miniature Mars bar

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the mini Mars bars in the bag
1 Tub of Hagen Daazs ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 Bottles of wine (red or white)
2 Loaves garlic bread
1 Family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"

Life in Dallas, America's fifth largest city:

This was sent to me from someone who lives there ... I must admit that some of it goes over my head as I've never been there, but it's highly entertaining anyway...

You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas, we all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline" ... which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We have had soooo much fun with that, that we have added George Bush Freeway (aka 190) and Jupiter Roads to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"
If someone actually has their "turn signal" on, it's probably a factory defect.
All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Marsh Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road... all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections. (These are only a FEW examples) The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands, cross NW Hwy and it becomes Plano Rd, go about 8 miles and it's briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5.
If asking directions in Irving or S.E. Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson, Chinese will be your best bet.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST highway. Don't let this confuse you.
The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round, if it is spring, and it is the Texas State Fair, then it is actually fall.
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
If you need to ask for directions, get ALL the names of the street you are being told to turn onto...we intermix numbers, letters, & names for the same roads.
If your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

THE FRENCH TEACHER EXPLAINED...

The French teacher explained:

"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison"
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon"

But one of his puzzled students asked, "Teacher, what gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in his French dictionary. So, for fun, he split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. He also required both groups to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

IF NOAH WAS TO BUILD THE ARK TODAY...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems:

I had to get a permit for construction.
Your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax as I failed register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain ... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain ... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Hard to belive, I know, but see whether you think any of these things are likely.....

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 1997 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Here is a list of ingredients I found on a stick of lip balm a few weeks ago..

Cera Microcristallina, Polydecene, Octyldodecanol, Ricinus Communis, Cetyl Palmitate, Myristyl Myristate, 4-Methylbenzylidene Camphor, Octyl Methoxycinnamate, Titanium Dioxide, Cetearyl Alcohol, Bis-Diglycerol Polyacylapidate-2, C20-40 Alkyl Stearate, Copernicia Cerifera, Butyrospermum Parkii, Buxus Chinensis, Tocopheryl Acetate, Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane, Cera Alba, Parfum (Fragrance), Cl 19140.

Now, if you knew you were putting that stuff onto your lips to protect them from the elements, would you be any the wiser? I certainly wasn't.

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