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- Humour Archive 6 -
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These are very funny, also very stupid.
They're labels on the packaging of various products from different countries around the world...
A man was walking down the street one day when suddenly he trips up.
He stops to have a look at what he tripped up over, only to discover
this beautiful golden handle secured to the pavement.
Out of curiosity, he lift the handle up, and the paving stone lifts up
with it. Suddenly, a genie appears...
"Ah," says the genie. "Thanks for discovering me.
It's been ages since anybody last found me so I'm really grateful that
you have discovered me. I'm a trainee genie, and as such I can grant
you one wish."
"Ah, thanks," says the man. He pauses for thought.
"I'd like you to make me irresistable to women - can you do that?"
"Sure," replies the genie. "One mo...."
There was a flash of blue smoke, and the man turned into a bar of chocolate.
Three guys died together in an accident and went to heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule here in
heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their
best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St.Peter chained
them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first
guy.
The third guy, having observed all this and not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter
came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on...a very
tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St.Peter chained them together without
saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Beaker, do your stuff."
Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz.
of milk without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government employee and said,
"What can your cat do?"
The employee called to his cat and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
peed on the paper, assaulted the other three cats,
claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for
unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went
home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore and a saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped
at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord
and how good he is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It's a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I would have never noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me starting honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his car window and screamed, "For the
love of God! Go! Jesus Christ, go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he
was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all those loving people, I even honked my horn a few times
to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in
the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what it meant.
He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I never meet anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing ...
why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray
or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed that the light had
changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I
had to leave them after all of the love we shared. So, I slowed the car
down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time and drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named "BOOK."
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an
armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) (TM) allows manufacturers to use both
sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use
more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the
next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices,
it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it may become
unusable if dropped into water or banged too many times on a hard
surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet,
and move forwards or backwards as you wish.
Many BOOKS come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" (TM) accessory allows you to open BOOK to the
exact place you left it in a previous session - even if BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks (TM) fit universal design standards; thus, a
single BOOKmark (TM) can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user
wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to
BOOK text entries with the optional programming tool, the Portable
Eraseable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS) (TM).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands
of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are
reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to
submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:
Subject: Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down.
Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered
side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will
cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough
toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed
monorail system.
This mail got the following reply from one of the recipients:
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land
buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works
equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss
out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance
between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that
have a stronger affinity for carpet.
The probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple
formula:
p = s * t(t)/t?
where p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the
"stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the
effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the
value of water is zero. t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and
topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship
between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka
masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the
same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised
if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this
combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability
of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala
on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be
problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat,
causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of
members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital,
and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in
power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also
public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be
replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka
masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
There has been much talk recently of the bizarre techniques being used in
job interviews to test candidates. A prospective employee can suddenly be
thrown by a demand to tell a joke, name five Cabinet ministers or reveal
the question they do not want to be asked. A particular favourite of
interviewers apparently is, "Give me three things to remember you by."
So, if this little gem is said to you, here is what to do: lean
forward and carefully insert a finger up each of the interviewer's
nostrils. Then slowly pull him towards you and apply the head butt.
By my calculations that's three things.
And there is no way he will forget you.
Actually there is the story of the Oxbridge candidate who was ordered
by his examiner from behind a copy of The Telegraph, "Interest me."
Very calmly he produced a cigarette lighter and set fire to the newspaper!
If you are convinced otherwise, read the following...
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least
one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for
each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a
second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the
stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a
conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On
land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the
job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000
of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it
matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop
to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of
17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned
to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing
his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
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