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- Humour Archive 7 -

1. How to give your cat a pill (08 Jan 2002)
   
2. Cynical Remarks (08 Jan 2002)
   
3. Management (08 Jan 2002)
   
4. Travel Talk (08 Jan 2002)
   
5. Dumb Newspaper Headlines (06 Mar 2002)
   
6. Rush Job Calendar (06 Mar 2002)
   
7. Philosophers Convention (06 Mar 2002)
   
8. Australian Public Service Entrance Exam (06 Mar 2002)
   
9. Church Notices (15 Apr 2002)
   
10. Learning English (15 Apr 2002)
    
11. Are you American? (6 May 2002)
    

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
   
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
   
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
   
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
   
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
   
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
   
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
   
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
    
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    
15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
    

• Ads in Bills:
  Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
  
  
• Fabric Softener:
  My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
  
  
• Reverse Life Cycle:
  The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... you finish off as a gleam.
  
  
• Award Shows:
  Can you believe how many award shows they have now?
  They have awards for commercials ... The Cleo Awards.
  A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
  
  
• Phone-in Polls:
  You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
  Did you ever notice there's always about 18%, "I don't know."
  It costs 90 cents to call up and vote ... They're voting, "I don't know."
  "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."
  (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
  (hangs up, looking proud)
  Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
  
  
• Europe:
  Please note: A European Parliament spokesman has confirmed that in order to comply with the conditions for joining the Single Currency, the phrase "spending a penny" is not to be used after the 31st December 2001. From that date onwards the correct terminology will be "euronating."
  
  

This describes our management at the moment down to a tee...

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

The following are actual stories told by travel agents, or so I'm informed...

• I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
  
  
• I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  
  
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  
  
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
  
  
• A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
  
  
• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
  
  
• I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
  I said, "No."
  He replied, "But they look so close on the map."
  
  
• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
  
  
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
  Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
  
  
• A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
  I said, "No, why do you ask?"
  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  
  
• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
  I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
  
  
• A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."
  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
  
  
• A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
  "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
  I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
  When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
  
  
• A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
  The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
  "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
  After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
  The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
  "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
  
  

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.
3. A number of new days have been added to each month to allow for end-of-month panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
7. There is no 13th of the month, hence there are no unlucky days.

There is a huge philosophers convention at the local hotel, and all the great philosophers are there.

Pascal is one of the last ones to arrive, and at the front desk he is told that his reservation was lost, and there are no more rooms at the hotel.

"This is preposterous!" he exclaims. "Where can I spend the night, the entire town has no vacancies!"

The desk clerk tells him that he may try to find one of his philosopher friends to share a room with him.

So he knocks on the first door, and Plato opens it. Pascal explains his problem, but Plato is already sharing his room with Satre, and that's depressing enough.

So Pascal tries the next room. Descartes opens the door. He has had a long day, and is in a bit of a bad mood. Pascal asks to share the room.

Descartes replies haughtily, "Share my room?!? I think NOT!"

And *poof*, he disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits including an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work and flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work. Plus free use of government stationery which has been facilitated by the introduction of "eight-items-or-less" lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to ASIO regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test and ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.

MATHEMATICS
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm, how long have you had for lunch?
   * the answer of course, half an hour.
   
   
2. If one public servant takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form, how long would it take two public servants to process the same form?
   * the answer is, of course, four hours.
   

For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Crean's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
   
   
   • a.Can I help you, madam?
     
   • b.Can I help you, miss?
     
   • c.What can I do you for, mate?
     
   • d.How's tricks, doll-face?
     
   
   *The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
   
   
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
   
   
   • We are looking into the matter
     
   • b.Can I get back to you on this one?
     
   • c.The matters have been referred to another committee
     
   • d.I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
     
   
   *The correct answer is that you should tell, "I think you have the wrong extension, I'll put you back to the switchboard."

SPELLING

Spell the following words:

• Tea
  
• Sickie
  
• Lunchbreak
  
• Go-slow
  

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proofreading would provide:

1. Visiting preachers are pinned to the notice board at the back of the church.
2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
5. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
   The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
6. Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
7. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
   Come early and listen to our choir practice.
9. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
10. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
13. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
14. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
15. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
16. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
17. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
18. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
19. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
20. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
21. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
22. What is Hell like? Come and hear our choir.
23. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
24. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Subject: Fw: Glad I'm not learning English no more like!! Why is English so hard to learn ...

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language...

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit "START" ?????

I'm sure that not all Americans are like this, however, I did find this little test rather amusing ... for what it's worth I came out as a normal, well-balanced individual. Surprised? I was.

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
   
   1. Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
   2. Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
   3. Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television
   
   
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
   
   1. A ball
   2. A ball and 2 coats
   3. A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
   
   
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
   
   1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
   2. Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
   3. Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window
   
   
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
   
   1. Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
   2. Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things
   3. Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
   
   
5. What do you have for breakfast?
   
   1. A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
   2. Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
   3. A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer
   
   
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
   
   1. A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
   2. A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
   3. A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis
   
   
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
   
   1. Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass
   2. Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club
   3. Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town
   
   
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
   
   1. A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
   2. A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast Show
   3. A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack
   
   
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
   
   1. Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
   2. Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
   3. Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife
   
   
10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
    
    1. Count all votes and declare a winner
    2. Count all votes and declare a winner
    3. Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake,' then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers...
If you answered

• mostly 1's then you are a normal well-balanced individual
• mostly 2's then you are a normal well-balanced individual
• mostly 3's then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!

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