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- Humour Archive 9 -

1. Why did the chicken cross the road? (12-OCT-02)
   
2. Two Cows (15-OCT-02)
   
3. Various Laws (15-OCT-02)
   
4. Amazing Anagrams (24-OCT-02)
   
5. Meals on Wheels (24-OCT-02)
   
6. Did I get the job? (24-OCT-02)
   
7. Five Surgeons (03-NOV-02)
   
8. Almighty God Tabernacle (03-NOV-02)
   
9. Who is the leader of China? (28-NOV-02)
   

Here are some possible answers to the age-old question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?".

Nursery Teacher:
To get to the other side.

Plato:
For the greater good.

Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan:
What chicken? I forget.

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal nowledge capital, both tactic and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise -wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park- like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision,and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?".

Sigmund Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity and latent homosexuality.

Bill Gates:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

Charles Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

George W. Bush:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

Al Gore:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Ralph Nader:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Rush Limbaugh:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

John Lennon:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Voltaire:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Captain Kirk:
To boldly cross the road where no chicken has crossed the road before.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side".

Martha Stewart:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Barbara Walters:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

An American Corporation:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A South African Corporation:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Zimbabwean Corporation:
A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

A Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A German Corporation:
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British Corporation:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A Hindu Corporation:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese Corporation:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Israeli Corporation:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

An Arkansas Corporation:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

These are in a similar vein to my list of Murphy's Laws, Wise (or otherwise) sayings, and Miscellaneous one-liners, and I must confess that one or two are the same. Quite an entertaining list, though.....

The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.:

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

1st Law of Holes:
First step in getting out of the hole you dug for yourself is to stop digging.

2nd Law of Holes:
If a boss digs himself into a hole, all his subordinates are expected to jump in with him.

3rd Law of Holes:
If a subordinate digs a hole, never expect the boss to jump in with him.

4th Law of Holes:
If you expect to miss the holes that others have left in your path, stop looking back at the ones you just climbed out of.

Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
If you put a spoonful of wine into a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage.
If you put a spoonful of sewage into a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

I don't know about you, but I can never think of clever anagrams such as these! It therefore follows that pretty well none of them are my own work! As and when I come across new ones (or dream up some of my own), I'll add them in at the top.

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know".
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor".
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more", and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more", and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

In a survey, employers were asked about the most bizarre events that occured during a job interview. Here are some of their answers:

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the most unusual things that job candidates have said:

• "What is it that you people do at this company?"
• "What is the company motto?"
• "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
• "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
• "Why do you want references?"
• "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
• "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
• "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
• "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
• "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
• "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
• "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
• "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
• "Why am I here?"
• "I am fascinated by fire."
• "I would have been more successful if nobody had snitched on me."
• "My legs are really hairy."

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded".

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would".

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear end are interchangeable".

On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house.

They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry way.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer". The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's OK, let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now'. At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!".

The man who was going to commit suicide is now meeting with the pastor of Almighty God Tabernacle.

Yes, it's the old Abbott and Costello routine! Quite entertaining....
George is George "Dubya" Bush and Condi is Condoleza (advisor....)

Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!

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