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- Humour Archive 10 -

1. Surprising Similies (09-DEC-02)
   
2. Two Scientists (09-DEC-02)
   
3. Believe it or Not (09-DEC-02)
   
4. How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity (09-DEC-02)
   
5. David Brent's Office Wisdom (16-DEC-02)
   
6. Peter Kay's Observations (30-JAN-03)
   
7. Statement from a BMW Driver (30-JAN-03)
   
8. Lawyers Christmas Letter (30-JAN-03)
   

I receieved this little lot recently, and with my sense of humour being what it is I found it quite entertaining...

Who says Britain is dumbing down?

Students essays: You may or may not have seen these before but these are allegedly taken from genuine student essays.

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my mate Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter".
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamp-post.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cash point.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E .coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
• It tasted like peanuts and sump oil.

Sorry folks, this one ends up with a rather bad pun...

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone.

They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

(Boom boom!)

Believe it or not....

OK, some of these a little bit silly, but some are quite entertaining. I must confess to being NOT guilty of actually trying any of these though!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
7. Dont use any punctuation marks
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
10. Sing along at the opera.
11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
13. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
14. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
15. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!"
16. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
17. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
18. Copy this out and send as an e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they have seen it before or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

If you are familiar with the UK TV series "The Office", I'm sure you can relate to these! Some of them may already be on this site under Miscellaneous One-Liners, but that list is far more comprehensive than this one.

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
   
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
   
3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
   
4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
   
5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
   
6. Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
   
7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
   
8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
   
9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
   
10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
    
11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
    
12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
    
13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
    
14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
    
15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
    
16. Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.
    
17. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
    
18. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
    
19. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
    
20. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
    
21. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
    
22. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
    
23. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.
    
24. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
    
25. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
    
26. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
    
27. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
    
28. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
    
29. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
    
30. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
    
31. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
    
32. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?
    
33. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
    
34. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
    
35. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just someone with a torch, bringing me more work.
    
36. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
    

Some of these seem to be very true, but others .... well, I don't quite know about triangular sandwiches! Here are some of Peter Kay's observations. Enjoy!

• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  
• One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
  
• You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
  
• Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
  
• Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
  
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  
• You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  
• Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  
• Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
  
• Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
  
• Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
  
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  
• Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
  
• The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
  
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  
• Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
  
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.
  
• Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
  
• Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  
• Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  
• You never ever run out of salt.
  
• Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  
• You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  
• There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
  
• No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
  
• Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  
• The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
  
• People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
  
• You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  
• Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
  
• Bricks are horrible to carry.
  
• In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
  

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?). Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3. But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

How a lawyer wishes you Happy Christmas and New Year

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my wish for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, non-addictive, low stress, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, as well as the secular practices of your choice, but with full respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

And further, please accept my wish for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contribution to our diverse society has helped make Britain great (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, veteran status or sexual orientation of the wisher, wishee or their third party beneficiaries).

These wishes are limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of approximately one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

Use of the term "Holiday" herein is not intended to, nor shall it be considered to be, limited to Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, nor to such activities of any organised or ad hoc religious community group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). In particular, the word "holiday" is used herein without reference to its etymology.

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable ab initio at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that there is no alteration to the original greeting text. Any transfer is to be at the risk of the transferor who, by making such transfer, thereby agrees to hold the wishee harmless from any and all adverse consequences resulting from such transfer. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually take any action or fail to take any action to implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law, custom or policy and is offered irrespective of any card, hard copy greeting or embarrassing self-indulgent letter summarising achievements in the current year, however mendacious, which may or may not have been purveyed by myself or any member of my extended family.

Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!

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