- Humour Archive 11 -
- Next week's schedule (03-MAR-03)
- Having a bad day? (04-MAR-03)
- Frog Joke (29-MAR-03)
- Technical Support Jokes (31-MAR-03)
- You know you're in the 21st Century when... (20-MAY-2003)
- Guarantee for an Aircraft (20-MAY-2003)
- New Company Policy from Human Resources (20-MAY-03)
- Optical Illusions (10-JUN-03)
- Things my mother taught me (03-JUL-03)
- Clever Female
NEXT WEEK'S SCHEDULE
Please find the schedule for next week below...
| Monday |
 |
| Tuesay |
|
| Wednesday |
|
| Thursday |
|
| Friday |
|
| Friday at 17:30 |
|
| Saturday |
12:00hrs:
,
20:00hrs:
 ,
03:00hrs:
|
| Sunday all day |
 |
HAVING A BAD DAY?
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was
$80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in
full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing
frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his
Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and
escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were
trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back
with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened
it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
FROG JOKE
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000". The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name
is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, because he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure
some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant
about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears
into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as
collateral".
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone".
TECHNICAL SUPPORT JOKES
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
is working fine."
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed
to keep it.
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this
disk for me?"
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed
my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colours
would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours
are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of
cyan
and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed
fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had
the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked.
I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two
hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's
tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find
the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of
the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always
moved in the
opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were difficult to depress.
She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed
away from her.
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on
my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the
little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them
in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set
of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"
message
Every time he logs in.
It turned out he was typing his username
and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case
letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.
He noticed a
young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he
noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied
"It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
And the best, of course, is saved for last....
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for
assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You
need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the
system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me
the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he
was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it
goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't
include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a
patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power
supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE 21ST CENTURY WHEN...
- 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
- 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- 4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
- 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
- 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
- 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- 10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
- 11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
- 12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
- 13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- 14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
- 15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
- 16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
- 17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
- 18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
- 19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
- 20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
- 21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
- 22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
- 23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
- 24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
- 25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NO. 9!
GUARANTEE FOR AN AIRCRAFT
Purchase Of Aircraft - Registration Document
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required,
but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.
1. Your Details
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:.................................................
Initial:........
Last Name...................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:..................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./......
4. Serial Number:...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase
this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (indicate all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and
activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used
in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well
as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey,
you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT: This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above
and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive
persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.
If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of
this e-mail is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than
in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this e-mail, although the kelpie next door
is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.
Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there
is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards,
so just ignore that Alert Notice that just popped up.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can
ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this e-mail in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites,
whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
NEW COMPANMY POLICY FROM HUMAN RESOURCES
- DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900
Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you
do not need a raise.
-
SICK LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical
certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor,you are able to come to work.
-
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a
breach of your employment contract.
-
PERSONAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave
a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
-
COMPANY VACATION DAYS:
We are a good company that, on top of your
entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year, allows all employees
will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company
vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & Dec 25.
-
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is
nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases,where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done enough.
- LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to
train your own replacement.
- RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20
to 8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will
be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker.
However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in
writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).
- LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat
more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Have a nice week!
From the Management Team
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
This is a little screensaver I wrote one evening using a little freeware program called
IrfanView. That program is a small
image viewing / manipulation program that supports many different file formats. You
can even produce screensavers and slideshows with it, and play music files.
The pictures for this screensaver came from a collection a friend sent me; it made such
ideal material for this little project that I could hardly resist it!
Anyway, here it is ....
Things my mother taught me (346KB)
Enjoy!
Note: Although I have no interest in collecting anybody's surfing habits, serving incessant
advertising, installing viruses, or hijacking anybody's browser, it's always good to
play it safe and scan everything you download for such things.
Free screensavers and executables are notorious for installing unwanted extras that interefere
with your Internet surfing, and while I can guarantee this file was clean when uploaded,
it's still worth scanning with your virus scanner before use to be certain.
CLEVER FEMALE
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more
than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now
listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the
casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she
would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over
with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend
said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised
him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with
him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it
into my account and I wrote him a cheque."
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