Angus's Personal Site: Humour Archive 12

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

Scroll down for the punchline.....

..... You'll be glad you did .......

I can't tell you what that noise is because you're not a monk.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the butt.

Worry no more: here is what you can do!

Dear Sir / Madam,

Thank you for your letter of 06 September 2003. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.

Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 18 September at 8.30 am. I look forward to seeing you then.

Enjoy your weekend.

Yours faithfully.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeze, please, please, please?

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ..

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Dear Bulk Mailer,

I'm writing to thank you for the abundance of e-mails you have been sending me recently. It's good to know that you have such a wide variety of products and services to offer, some of which will no doubt be of more use than others.

However, there are a few things I'd like to point out to you that may help you get your message across and convince me that your products and services are worthwhile. I'm doing this in an attempt to help you find your target audience a little bit better so you can mail people with offers that will really be of interest to them, and stop wasting your own resources on mailshotting people with products and services for which they will not have any use.

Firstly, I notice that some of your messages originate from some very strange e-mail addresses. The other day I had one from Re46ern4Rt@hotmail.com, and it left me wondering why your company had decided upon such an address. The fact that it came from Hotmail did not help as it suggested that your company isn't very big, or that you don't have your own domain name, or for other reasons have to resort to using free service providers. Unfortunately, that's not a very good sales tactic, and as a result your message was deleted as soon as it arrived without being read first. Sorry about that - I'm sure it contained a very useful offer! In short, it isn't beneficial to you to send message from strange e-mail addresses.

Secondly, I've noticed that the e-mail addresses you use don't always exist! That's really weird. On one occasion I decided to set up an e-mail account specially so I could reply to some of your messages, but unfortunately each and every one bounced with a message telling me that the e-mail address to which I was replying did not exist! This is a very simple test I used to carry out against all commercial e-mails, especially when received from companies with which I have never conducted business before in order to ascertain whether the sales team will be helpful or not.

Unfortunately, because I was unable to reply to these messages I was also unable to ask further questions that would have enabled you to have clinched that all-important sale. As a result, I had no option but to delete the messages. Sad to say, any messages that come in now looking as though they'll be similar to these are now deleted without me even reading them. In short, make sure that your sending e-mail addresses exist and belong to you for maximum sales effect.

A strange thing happened to me the other day. I received one of your messages at my dot co dot uk e-mail address inviting me to apply for my Florida driver's licence! This may come as something of a surprise to you, but I actually live in the UK so while I appreciate your offer I can't really make use of it as such. I had no option but to delete your message; effort was therefore wasted on your part.

There is another big problem here: supposing perchance it transpired that I lived in California. There is actually a law there that would allow me to sue anybody for sending such irrelevant messages. Now, not only is the time and effort wasted in sending me the messages, but you'd then have to shell out in court for your troubles! To sum up, please make sure I'm interested in your product or service before mailing me.

Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes the subject headings of your e-mails contain digits, punctuation marks, and/or foreign letters. Is there a problem with the people you employ to write the subject lines? Have these people ever heard of those institutions called "schools" where you learn to read, write, spell, and perform basic arithmetic?

What I mean is this: I very often receive messages asking if I'd like to purchase a product called "V1agra" - is this in any way different from Viagra?

I'd like to suggest you consider sacking the individuals responsible for writing these terrible subject lines as they don't do you any good. Unfortunately, it makes your messages look really shoddy and unprofessional, and as a result of this I must confess to using that dreaded Delete key again :-(

Yet another trend I've noticed recently is a strange usage of punctuation marks in the MIDDLE of words! I often see semicolons and colons placed in the middle of words for example, and some of these words also erroneously contain umlauts - you know, those two little dots you get above certain vowels in many non-English words. Again I'd like to know what kind of education the people who wrote these lines had, as they makes your messages look really amateurish, and as a result these messages also get deleted without being read first.

A set of filters on my computer system sorts mail messages from addresses I know from those I don't. Any mails from unknown senders get sent to a special folder (called "Deleted Items") for manual analysis, so I can keep the known good messages separate from rest. As many a student will tell you, their CV needs to stand out from the crowd when they apply for jobs as otherwise potential employers will not be impressed, and as a result that student will not get that job. In much the same way, you wouldn't believe the amount of junk e-mail I receive, all of which ends up in this special folder alongside your messages. If your mail does not stand out amongst the rest, then like that unimpressed employer, I have no option but to delete your mail.

Yet another thing you have in common with the junk e-mails is that you sometimes send your messages with high priority, and this has also become an indicator for me to see what the Delete key will do. Please don't send your mails with high priority for this reason.

Unfortunately, to date, all your mails get deleted as soon as they arrive, simply because of the manner in which it is sent; although I typically receive in excess of 20 of your messages per day, I honestly can't remember the last time I actually read one. It usually takes me just 5 seconds to delete all 20 messages!

It seems that a little homework is in order here for you to get your message across (no pun intended) but unfortunately the marketing tactics you are currently using do not effectively achieve the end you are trying to achieve - in fact, quite the opposite!

Clever marketing involves determining whether your target audience is going to be interested in your products and services before you mailshot them. For instance, many companies often snail-mail me with products and services in which I have no interest, and unfortunately for them it's a waste of their money because as soon as I see that it's another bank loan application from a financial institution of which I have never heard, it gets ripped up and thrown away. A bit of research on the part of that company would have saved them time and money.

Finally, if you don't have a life, may I suggest you get one? They're great fun, I enjoy mine, and they come with very high recommendations.

Yours,

Ann Ann0;yed 5päm rec1p1:ènt.

To all men: Now you know what NOT to wish for....

A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," replies the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," says the waitress.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?"" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the shopping center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The manager replied: "Which one? We have:

'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the father asked.

"'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture,..."

This came my way the other day, and thought I'd share it here. For those who don't know (as I'm not certain how well-known Delia Smith is the other side of the Puddle for example), Delia Smith is a well-known TV cook here and is always coming up with interesting kitchen tips and tricks.

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for goodness' sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough.
Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

And finally the most important tip...
Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!