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- Humour Archive 13 -

1. Smart Blonde (13-Oct-2005)
   
2. Scientists Discover New Element: Governmentium (13-Oct-2005)
   
3. National Security (04-Dec-05)
   
4. The Amish Elevator (04-Dec-05)
   
5. Headlines of the Year 2002 (06-Dec-2005)
   
6. How do you decide whom to marry (28-APR-2006)
   
7. Zen Advice (28-APR-2006)
   
8. As I've matured (28-APR-2006)
   
9. What State Mottos SHOULD Be (28-APR-2006)
   
10. Where NOT to take your holiday this year (28-APR-2006)
    
11. Barbecue Etiquette (11-MAY-2006)
    

A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact; a minute amount of Governmentium can cause one reaction to take over 4 days to complete which would normally take place withi less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

As many are aware, in response to the rioting across France during the Autumn of 2005, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

However, it's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

Crack found on Governor's daughter
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Teacher strikes idle kids
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Red tape holds up new bridges
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Man struck by lightening faces battery charge
New study of obesity looks for larger test group
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
Kids make nutriious snacks
Chef throws his heart inot helping feed needy
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors

Also classic headlines...

Giant waves down Queen Mary's funnel
Sheep rustling in the hills
Do you want a woman vicar?
Eighth army push bottles up Germans
Handel's organ works
Villagers grill gas men
Nigerian talks in London
Doctors review body
Sikh girl wins trouser case
Blow for musicians union
Villa face cream of Italy
IRA bomb guts factory
Foot to head joint body
Star's broken leg hits box office

Written by kids.....

GENERAL

• You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
  -- Alan, age 10
• No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
  -- Kristen, age 10

• Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
  -- Camille, age 10
• No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
  -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

• You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
  -- Derrick, age 8

• Both don't want any more kids.
  -- Lori, age 8

• Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
  -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
  -- Martin, age 10

• I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
  -- Craig, age 9

• When they're rich.
  -- Pam, age 7
• The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that
  -- Curt, age 7
• The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
  -- Howard, age 8

• I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
  -- Theodore, age 8
• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
  -- Anita, age 9

• There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
  -- Kelvin, age 8

• Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
  -- Ricky, age 10

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
8. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
9. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
10. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
11. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

• I've learned...you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned...it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned...whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I've learned...you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they're more screwed up than you think.
• I've learned...depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• I've learned...not to sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.
• I've learned...ex's are like fungus, they keep coming back.
• I've learned...age is a high price to pay for maturity.
• I've learned...I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy it.
• I've learned...we are responsible for what we do -- unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned...artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I've learned...there are fine lines between genius and insanity.
• I've learned...the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, all the less important ones just never go away, and the real pains in the *abdomen* are permanent.

Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We were the First! Damit! and don't you forget it!
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free!
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster, but don't stick around
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale... Ahsuppose
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and The Best Darn Militia
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, = Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

Just a reminder to anyone driving to Florida you will have to pass through Georgia or Alabama:

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll whup your butt.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names: Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Duck, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc. Or we will just HAVE to whup your butt.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt whuppin’.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or hillbillies, or we'll whup your butt.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Sam Walton, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (i.e., Carter, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would whup their butt!
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll whup your butt.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the h#@% up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll whup your butt.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll whup your butt.
9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt whupped.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern cesspools like Detroit, Chicago, Philadelphia, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets whupped.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll whup your butt.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll whup your butt all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll whup some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll whup your butt.
15. Don’t complain about our asphalt roads. We’ve driven on the Schuykill Express Way, I-95, I-495, The Jersey Turnpike, and all of them. Remember that I-75, I-85, AND, I-95 ALL have Northbound lanes too, or we’ll have to whup your butt!
16. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot (right after it is whupped). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box ... Minus your butt!

After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!

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