Angus's Personal Site: Miscellaneous One-Liners

- Miscellaneous One-Liners -

This is a somewhat eclectic collection of miscellaneous one-liners I've come across from time to time. Pretty well none of them are original, and this list is designed to complement my list of Murphy's Laws, Various Laws, and Wise (or otherwise) sayings. As I come across new ones I'll insert them at the top.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol like some thinkle peep I am
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart
I asked for light, God gave me the sun; I asked for water, God gave me rain; I asked for happiness, God gave me you.
If I could have a rose for every time I thought of you, the world would be empty of them.
If God is your co pilot - switch seats
The English don't actually like music, but they absolutely adore the noise it makes.
The funny thing about political jokes is that they often get elected.
When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life is giving them vodka and have a party.
If your Christmas was half as good as mine, then I had twice the fun.
The elevator is out of whack; more whack is in order.
You have to maintain a healthy level of insanity to remain sane around here.
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Harp players spend one half of their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
Reality is just an illusion due to a lack of alcohol.
If life throws you lemons, throw them back!
If life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
It may look like chaos, but that's just the theory
I'm so far behind I think I'm first
Discover A Lost Art - Play marbles
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church
There will come a time when all of this is over; something else will grow and take its place
Only a fool tests the depth of water with both feet
It's all an illusion
What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?
I'm very repsonsible: whenever something goes worng they say I'm responsible
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one
A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing right
The game of catch has never been so fun - Inventor of the Hand Grenade
Above all else: SKY
A wolf in sheep's clothing needs help
Never knock on deaths door: Ring the door bell and run (he hates that)
Some people have a way with words others erm.....thingy.......
There has to be just more to it than this or tell me why do we exist
I'd play marbles, but I've lost mine
I'm so far behind the 8-ball I can't even see the table
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
If you think you're thinking outside the box, then the box must be bigger than you think it is.
E-mail signature suggestion: If you don't receive this mail then please reply and I'll re-send it.
Diplomat: One that can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you actually look forwad to the trip.
War doesn't decide who's right, it decides who's left.
If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - there must be a train coming.
The biggest liar in the world is 'they say'.
God must love the common man; he made so many of them.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday - and all is well.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs or cutting hair.
A lie is like a snowball; the further you throw it, the bigger it becomes.
The more horsepower possessed by a car, the more horse sense is needed to drive it.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
The best way to stop smoking is to stop, no butts.
Those who give - receive.
Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Age is in the mind, not in the calendar.
You can only be young once, but immature forever.
As the days lengthen the cold strengthen.
A specialist is one who knows more and more about less and less.
The years end is neither an end nor a beginning but merely a going on.
You don't need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind is blowing.
Having children makes you no more a parent then having a piano makes you a pianist.
The best time to do something worthwhile is between yesterday and tomorrow.
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person next to you.
There should be no passengers on spaceship earth, we are all crew.
You know that you're getting old when the candles cost more then the cake.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but it is just as hard to cut.
The only bad part of being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
Life has no rehearsals, only performances.
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of.
Better to be approximately right then to be precisely wrong.
There are three sides to every story: my side, your side and the truth.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
There's no reason being the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.
You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessary.
You can kill an "-ist", but you can't destroy the "-ism".
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
Stop telling God how big your storm is - instead tell the storm how big your God is!
The weathermen are saying that there's a front on the way we'll be glad to see the back of.
If it ain't fixed, fix it. Then you can break it and fix it again.
What's the point of having a plot if you don't lose it?
There are 3 types of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Did you know that 5/4 of the worlds population can't do fractions?
Safety is no accident.
A computer is a device for duplicating your mistakes - only faster.
There are 10 types of people ... those who know binary and those who don't.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
A backward poet writes... inverse.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway).
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Don't worry if you don't know what eschatology is; it's not the end of the world.
Putting prepositions at the end of a sentence is a practice up with which we shall not put.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Get the last word in: Apologise.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
My doctor gave me six months to live seven months ago, but as I did not pay the bill he gave me another six months.
I'm not as think as you confused I am.
It takes a disaster to make a woman out of a female.
I have a good memory; it's just very short.
No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy to stop and complain about how busy I am.
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today, for, if you like it, you can do it again tomorrow.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them
Don't let yourself become the mouse or the cat will eat you
Necessity is the mother of invention
If you visit me on the web, at least I won't have to make you a coffee!
My telephone is not your advertising medium. However, I'll gladly accept sales calls for a nominal charge of £1,000 per call. Thank you and have a nice day!
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Never assume. It makes an ASS of U and ME!
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
"There are two types of people. Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't." Get your mind round that one, and the whole world slots into place.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it still doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer; if it breaks, then it needed fixing anyway.
Life is what is happening while you make other plans.
If it ain't broke, break it. Then you can fix it.
To expand your horizons you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.
Satisfying: The warm feeling engendered, for example, by seeing a traffic warden being given a parking ticket, or a double-glazing salesman getting an unwanted phone call.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
If it ain't broke, keep fixing it until it is.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape; round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.
"No comment" is a comment.
No decision is a decision.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Where there's smoke, there's dinner.
When the going gets tough, the tough have a little cry over in the corner.
You only go around once. You only go around once. You only go around once.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Life would be great if it weren't for people.
I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Normal people worry me.
Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
I graduated with A 4.0... blood alcohol level.
An optimist can never be pleasantly surprised.
The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing (John Wimber).
An expert is one who knows all the pitfalls on the route to the major disaster.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Never argue with a fool - people might forget who's who.
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing".
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran or hot rice cereal.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want to be there when it happens.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Change is inevitable. Progress is harder to come by.
Viral marketing doesn't work - pass it on!
What's the point in having communication lines if they can't break down?
Problems that disappear on their own usually come back on their own
Remember when you put others in the dock that you will be there yourself one day
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe
Banning the bra was a big flop
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red (Duh!)
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Never attribute to malice anything that can be adequately explained by stupidity
Where there's a will, there's a won't
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do
If a train stops at a train station, and a bus stops at a bus station, what happens at a workstation?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like ..... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
A girlfriend who wears beads is always one you can count on.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
There are two things I've learned: (1) There is a God, and (2), I'm not Him.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace.
Your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
I was going to procrastinate today, but I think I'll leave that until tomorrow.
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're both OK now.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke in the first place.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll pull you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wall-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours .... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Relationships appear closer than they are.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Top

Home

Humour

Map

Need an Extradisambiguator? Click here!